In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
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[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
uh oh
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*