The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
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*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Hmm, not sure about this change
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*