GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
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As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Camping tip: No.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.