in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
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Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.