Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
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Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
😜
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.