*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
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If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Perfect
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
you have three unread messages
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.