I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
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Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.