Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
You Might Also Like
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
This kinda thing happens to me often