the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
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The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Had to try this trend 😊
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I am never leaving this website
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?