Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
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Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
The point of your 20s
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?