You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
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God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Oh thanks BBC.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It