*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
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Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure