Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
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My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
How wrong was this guy?
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Still a very good boi….
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”