What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
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Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!