I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
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The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.