I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
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Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
socratic questions
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?