My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
You Might Also Like
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
an octopus is just a wet spider
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can鈥檛 even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can鈥檛 even get pockets in their pants.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you鈥檙e about to sneeze with sore abs
If you know, you know 馃槀馃殧
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Birds & Planes.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I鈥檓 going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.