Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
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Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.