Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
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We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.