Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
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Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
me and who
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies