me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
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the only organized thing in my life is crime
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”