diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
You Might Also Like
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”