If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
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murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?