It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
You Might Also Like
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Genius idea!!
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
a lot to unpack here