Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
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BRAKING NEWS!!
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
May have had one breakfast too many
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
“You’d better run, egg!”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Body by cheese-puffs.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!