What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
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Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
The asteroid..
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.