If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing