An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
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Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.