An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
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wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.