The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
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I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁