Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
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Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Something Saturday.
house sitting!
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.