sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
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I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Was it something I said?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.