“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
You Might Also Like
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.