Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
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Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.