google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
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I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Name another movie that mislead you?
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
me as a parent
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.