Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
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Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president