I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
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[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through