Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
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*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
The first matador
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…