*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
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King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.