I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
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My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.