dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
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ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Breaking news:
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
My biological clock is wheezing.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”