It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
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[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
me before I type out affect or effect
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?