(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
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A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids