Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
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Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.