This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
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Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.