My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
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5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.