Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
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Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12