My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
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“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.