Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
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Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired