Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
You Might Also Like
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Love is in the air fryer.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!